This is my mind going at 150mph at 7am
Isn’t wanting someone to be your girlfriend/boyfriend is the same as manipulating them just so you can kick loneliness out of your life? I mean, for god’s sake. Look at the amount of text you send to each other. The constant need to talk to each other, to see each other, to smother each other with the fantasy of your own making that everything will last forever.
“But that’s what two people in love do to each other…”
Well, if that’s the case, I might as well do that to my mom. At least she’s going to love me back even when I’m the biggest asshole sprawled on her couch when I’m too tired to walk upstairs to sleep in my bed. And not nag at me when I don’t text her back or when I’m out with my friends or when I’m locked in my room.
I’m not being cynical about love and I haven’t been in many relationships (only one, that lasted for five years and it ended with me saying, “Why the hell did I even think of that?”) but I guess I just get confused when people in relationships treat like they own each other. I mean, come on. You’re not supposed to chain your partner around the collar like a dog.
That they’re inadequate if they can’t cater to your needs.
That they’re immature when they don’t pay attention to your feelings.
That they’re an asshole when they don’t pick up the phone while they’re playing on God of War or Winning freaking Eleven.
That they’re not loyal enough when they don’t come barking at you with the frisbee in their mouth and drop it at your feet.
This could be my carefree-self talking. This could even be me that have been alone for so long. Sometimes when you’ve been single for so long, you get addicted to being alone. Heck, I know I’m addicted to being alone.
And as much as I crave for human contact (in the form of my friends), I really don’t think I can function well when a relationship snatches away my freedom. The constant need to report my feelings towards a boy, that if I don’t acknowledge him often enough, I love him lesser than before. I mean, when you really think of it, it’s really about that person, right? Because in relationships, one of the two will always, I mean, will freaking always find this sneaky way of making the relationship gravitates towards them. It’s all about them.
Me. Me. Me. Me. You don’t love me enough. You’re not the same person as I thought you were. You’ve changed. How come you don’t say ‘I love you’ as much anymore? Blah blah blah.
And the worst part is when you started talking about the relationship, with the person you’re having the relationship with.
What the hell? I mean, yes of course. I’m saying all this because I’ve been allllllll through this before. And it was indeed boring and suffocating.
Which is why I’ve arrived to the most comfortable fluffy conclusion I could find.
That a relationship can make me feel like I’m in two situations:
a) I’m trapped in an elevator with a person and he keeps commenting about the fact that we’re trapped together is a miracle and that out of the 6 billion others he could be trapped with, he’s trapped with me. Well, but that’s just too bad isn’t it? Trapping someone with a relationship doesn’t guarantee that person is going to love you back.
b) This is when the relationship feels like a magic trick. I’m in a circus where I met with a magician that has tricked me into a relationship with him. Of course, at first I would be fooled by his appearance, then he gets his tools, and say, “You want to see a magic trick?” and I would say, “Oh well. I’m sure you’ve seen this before”, but of course I haven’t seen this before and he goes out with all his magic tricks, and then I feel all these weird stuff in my stomach and he did this magic trick where he turned my knees to jelly, and just as I could finish saying, “Wait, how did you do that?”, he would be gone. *poof*, and I will be left amazed. Even when he’s no longer around.
But then, you know, sometimes I do wish that adult relationships aren’t really all that complicated. I know there will always be this stuff hogging on your shoulders and they’re called ‘responsibilities’, but why can’t a relationship just revolve around dvds, trips to new towns, Star Wars, PS3, games and just talking crap with each other? Why must we get pissed if that person don’t call us back?
And why can’t we still be all buddy-like, as if we’re obliged to display it to the whole world how so very in love we are by constantly pressing our sides next to each other?
This is getting confusing.
